Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Randomize
