I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
