oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
