I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
