i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
