dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
