I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
