I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
