so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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