glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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