She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
