the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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