maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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