It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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