if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
