im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
