She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
