You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
