Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
