i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
