happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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