How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
