we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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