I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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