Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
