p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
