If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
