My liver just broke up with me...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
