good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
