Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
