No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
