This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
