my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
