Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
