After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
