He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
