she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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