woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
