I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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