Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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