I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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