i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
