I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
