I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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