I feel great
I just peed on a car
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
