if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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