Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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