Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
