It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
