He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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