Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
