This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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