well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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