Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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